Many couples don’t wake up one morning and suddenly feel like roommates. It happens gradually — often quietly — over years or even decades. A common pattern I see with clients in therapy, especially in families where the the “main care giver” has taken on the majority of emotional and household labour, is that their entire identity becomes wrapped around keeping the family running. They are the manager, organizer, peacemaker, scheduler, cleaner, emotional support system, and nurturer.
When the children grow up and move out, they finally stop long enough to look around and realize:
“I don’t know who I am anymore.” “I don’t know what I like.” “My partner and I feel like strangers.”
For the main caregiver, the loss of purpose is accompanied by a painful discovery: Their partner (Receiver) continues to expect the same level of care taking because that’s the way it has always been. There is little appreciation, little reciprocal effort, and little emotional connection. What used to be a partnership now feels like a functional cohabitation — like roommates, or friends who simply share a house.
Fortunately this pattern can change. Rediscovering your identity, setting boundaries, rebuilding communication, and creating intentional connection can reignite the relationship in powerful ways.
Being a parent can lead to Losing your sense of self
Caregivers often report feeling invisible, overwhelmed with the mental load, emotional support, multitasking, remembering everything for everyone else, all often taken for granted. Over years, this becomes their identity. When the kids leave, they grieve an old way of life and the structure of her daily purpose disappears.
Client’s report feeling disconnected from not only their partners but also their own personal interests and hobbies, not remembering what was enjoyed prior to becoming a caregiver. This transition can lead to resentment, burnout, loneliness, and disconnection — especially when the receiver partner continues to assume that the main caregiver will “just keep doing everything.”
Step One: Rebuilding a Sense of Self
You cannot reconnect with your partner if you have no connection with yourself. Some questions you may ask yourself to begin the journey of rebuilding a sense of self are: What did I enjoy before I became a parent? What activities make me feel energized or grounded? Who do I like spending time with? What values matter to me now? What parts of myself have I neglected? This rediscovery process is not selfish — it’s essential. A healthy relationship requires two whole people, not one caretaker and one receiver.
Step Two: Understanding and Communicating Your Boundaries
Boundaries are not walls. They are filters that keep in what is good and keep out what is harmful, helping you avoid being taken advantage of, manipulated, or overwhelmed.
To set boundaries, you must first identify what are my boundaries. We likely don’t know what our boundaries are until they have been crossed and your left feeling used up, resentful or angry. Some questions to consider to help explore what your personal boundaries may be: What behaviours drain me? What expectations feel unfair? Where do I feel resentment? When do I feel disrespected? These moments usually signal a boundary is being crossed.
Are you a yes person? This can be the biggest deterent to setting healthy boundaries.
*In saying yes to something what am I saying no to? or what suffers as a result of me not being able to set a boundary or say no? Ask yourself these questions and evaluate what is most important to you.
Example #1: Your partner assumes you will pick up the children after work, make dinner and get them ready for the evening. By not asking your partner to take on those tasks equally 2-3 times a week what do you give up? Self care, physical care, time with an elderly parent?
Example #2: Your boss tells you to stay late every night this week to meet a deadline. You want to keep your boss happy but what are you saying no to and what matters most to you? Will you miss your daughters soccer final? Have to reschedule date night, or medical appointments?
2. How to communicate boundaries in a healthy clear way
Boundaries are not effective unless spoken with clarity. For deeper understanding “Use the structure: I feel… (emotion) I need… (clear request).” A supportive communication framework helps reduce defensiveness and increase connection.
“I am sorry I cannot take that case on, i feel overwhelmed with the work I have. I need you need to pass that on to someone else.”
“I am feeling overwhelmed and burnt out, I need you to take the kids out for a few hours so I can rest and regroup.”
“I am feeling there is an imbalance with us managing the household tasks, I need you to take on more responsibilities around the house.”
“I feel hurt when you come home and spend the entire evening on your phone. I need you to be more present with me and more mindful of how we spend our evenings together. I want us to create time that feels meaningful rather than disconnected.”
This approach is:
Non-blaming
Emotionally honest
Solution-focused
Easy for partners to understand
When used consistently, this communication style rebuilds emotional safety.
Remember: A boundary is not a request for permission. It is a statement about what you will or won’t accept moving forward. People with good boundaries are well respected and furthermore employers or leaders who have good boundaries will know that you can be trusted to do what you say you can do if you also have good boundaries. The more you honour your limits, the more others learn to honour them too.
Step Four: Rebuilding Connection and Intimacy with your partner
Connection doesn’t return by accident. It returns through small, consistent, intentional behaviours.
Here are powerful, research-backed strategies:
1. De-stressing conversations
Spend 10–15 minutes each day talking about your day — without problem-solving, criticism, or interruptions. This builds emotional closeness.
2. Scheduled date nights
Not cliché — effective. Date nights increase emotional connection and shared meaning. They help shift the relationship back into a partnership, not an obligation.
3. The 6-second kiss (John Gottman)
A kiss held for six seconds lowers stress hormones and increases bonding hormones. It’s long enough to create intimacy without pressure.
4. Appreciation rituals
Each partner identifies three things they appreciate about the other — daily or weekly. Gratitude changes the tone of the entire relationship.
5. Shared goals and hobbies
Rebuild a life together by exploring new activities:
Walking
Dancing
Travel
Cooking classes
Volunteering
Shared projects
Connection requires intentional attention.
When Therapy Can Help
Therapy provides a safe space to explore:
Identity loss after caregiving
Resentment or emotional withdrawal
Rebuilding communication
Boundary setting
Rekindling connection
Creating a new stage of life as partners, not roommates
Many couples find that with guidance, understanding, and structure, they rediscover each other — and themselves — in deeper, healthier ways.